some deep-ish thoughts on Life/Love/God

"I used to think I knew everything. I was a "smart person" who "got things done", and because of that the higher I climbed the more I could look down and scoff at what seemed silly or simple, even religion. But I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better or smarter, only luckier"

I cannot live without my faith.

I recently read the book "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom.

Its embarrassing to say that I had never read Albom before, not "Tuesdays with Morrie" not anything really despite his increasing and historical popularity.

The book really changed the way that i think about things in general- I wanted to write down and reflect on some quotes as I had some time to write and think today- BUT! I forgot that I loaned the book to my dad so I have no real references, but the main thing to note about the book is that Albom expresses that as long as you have faith and live your life to the best of your ability, then it doesn't matter what religion you belong to. This particular book delves into Christianity and Judaism, and I learned many things about each that I did not previously know. How do I call myself a Christian when I lose faith in things so easily? How do I call myself a Christian when I don't tell others about my faith and keep it all bottled up? How do I call myself a Christian when the man I am supposed to be marrying will not speak to me about faith, or go to church, or even express a religious preference? I don't get it. I guess what I learned from the book was that personally I don't care what religion someone is or what rituals and rules they follow- I just want everyone to believe SOMEthing or have some convictions about their faith.

speaking of convictions- I have been one with plenty of faults, death of loved ones and divorce leading to depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide, not knowing my limits or being able to stop drinking, followed by my most recent and most expensive adventure of a DUI. I have been struggling with my weight- trying to get off the pounds that I put on during my times of drinking and depression. And with lost weight came increased self-esteem- greatly lowered by a man I cant make attracted to me. I know that I fall short because I have the sex drive of an entire fraternity of drunk college men combined into one little girl- but I cant help it I love when someone is attracted to me, and lately with my low self esteem I feel like I need SO much more attention than EVER. Before I was occasionally the center of attention because I liked everyone to laugh at me and with me and be loud and make jokes- I wanted people to love me for my personality. Now I find myself wanting a different kind of attention...I want to be noticed and wanted because I am charismatic or charming or something like that- I am not exactly sure how to put it.

I feel unconditionally loved - but unwanted

I feel completely needed in my companionship - but not desired

Its hard for me not to crave attention from men when I am feeling so crappy about the things in my life that I am unable to control- SO! recently I have tried to turn to God, [with some SERIOUS road blocks in the way] and I stumbled across this video.

this video shows a portrayal of a good Christian girl who follows God and everything is beautiful- they move together the girl is happy, but she is young, she is easily influenced, she wants friends, she wants attention. Each person that brings her further and further away from God. First she is romanced by sexual desire, then the grips of money and materialism and overcome her, next the peer pressure of drinking and partying with a girlfriend sway her until she is drinking alone- then she sees a thin model leading her into the traps of a media induced eating disorder, lastly she is haunted by depression, cutting and flirtation with suicide which I believe comes from the devil himself. I feel like this video directly speaks to me- I don't drink anymore, I am not greedy or materialistic any longer (well mainly because my finances don't allow for it), I do not worry about what others look like- instead I focus on what I would like to look like and worry about just being heart healthy and fit by eating right and exercising versus just NOT eating which is something I once struggled with, and at last- I don't cut my wrists anymore. ever. As a matter of fact this summer as a renewed relationship with Christ and with myself I got a tattoo of a cross over the scars on my arms where I used to cut myself. Although at times I feel lost and hopeless, I do not think of suicide any more because after we lost Ian I want to live a long and happy life. This does not mean that these things do not tempt me or get in the way of my relationship with God, it just means that I now know what to do to stay close on the path with God and fight off these things, because when you let God in and say your prayers he will protect you from the people and influences trying to harm you. I posted this video because I have personally struggled with all of the temptations that this young girl goes through and it just really spoke to me.

Here are the lyrics [everything by lifehouse]

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

..... too emotional to write anymore, but if you for some reason stumble across this pray for me and that I am better able to control the things getting in the way of my relationship with God and others (particularly my sex drive. ha.)

who needs sleep? ME!!!!

Hello.

Tonight is my 16th night of restless sleep. No wonder I am not losing weight- you need to sleep when you exercise and have a busy schedule to let your body REST!!! But I cant. I just cant. Every night I am EXHAUSTED by my full day of activity- but when it comes to bed, I just cant do it. Some nights I am VERY lucky and fall fast asleep, but I dont let that fool me because I know that anytime between 2 and 4 in the morning I will be up and raring to go. So I have limited my caffeine intake after 5, drank plenty of fluids, wrote down my feelings before bed, made sure I was warm and comfortable, and NOTHING works.

When I was younger I was diagnosed with a strange form of insomnia- where falling asleep was not the problem - it was actually STAYING asleep. I tried everything from ambien to trazodone, and I had every side effect from FORGETTING ENTIRE SEQUENCES OF EVENTS PRIOR TO BED (scary!) or I would just be so depressed and groggy the next day that NO ONE could force me out of my bed. SO! If the slew of side effects werent enough- the more I was able to sleep, the more medication my body would require to fall asleep. Non-habit forming my ass.

Where does that leave me? bouts of depression coupled with persistant insomnia for more than 2 weeks now. I look like HELL. Even the bags under my eyes are so tired that they are resting on my cheeks. My acne has acne. I look used.

Last night I decided that a good Idea would be to take some tylenol PM something not TOO strong but something that would ease my knee pain and help me get some coma-like sleep. I PASSED OUT while watching television at about 10pm. AH HA! but at 2:30a.m. you betcha I was up and outside playing with my dogs (who were also annoyed and climbed back in bed with Adrian) what in the world.

Tonight I will try Simply Sleep. Something else that came recommended so thast my liver wasnt constantly damaged with all the Tylenol in Tylenol PM.

Wish me some sleep so that I can look and feel healthy and happy again!


Here is 4 points for weight loss I read on someones "everyday health" blog
-avoid alcohol
-avoid processed foods
-avoid stachy carbs after 5pm
-avoid fried food

http://www.everydayhealth.com/blogs/workoutandloseweight/the-four-avoids-of-a-healthy-diet?xid=nl_EverydayHealthDietandNutrition_20091127

seems easy- but what about the processed foods? I am a sucker for frozen meals, meal bars, 100 cal snack packs, etc. hmm what to do....... I know people say that those things are ALL marketing, but what about consumer convinience? If I had the time and money to buy all fresh food every couple days there is NO doubt in my mind that I would, but its just unrealistic! I cant afford organic! I dont have time for shopping 3 times a week! I desire preservatives that can keep in my house until my next monthly shopping trip. Unlike my fiance, if something is even CLOSE to being expired- I PANIC! I guess I will just keep on keepin on and do what im doing until I can figure out a happy medium between sodium and preservatives versus fresh and organic food choices.