24 feels 24 like

Yesterday was my birthday.

I didn't hit my weight goal and I felt like everyone forgot about me.

I got text messages from: Curt, Jeff, Rachael, Amanda, & Becky - basically all family.

I got calls from: My Grandma Matties, Auntie Gail, Desiree - again all family. (Desiree might as well be family)

not ONE of my friends called or texted to wish me a happy birthday. Don't I remember their birthdays? Don't I bring them a little treasure? or at least call? I have had the SAME friends for a LONG time and I don't get it....Alaina? Jenny? Chelsie? Sarah? Christine? Amy? Kate? Anyone?

I guess its my fault. I'm not one of those people that throws out a constant reminder 2 weeks before their birthday, just so EVERYone around them knows that they better not forget.

I was most surprised at my wedding party- Kamina (Adrian's sister) Alaina, & Sarah. absurd. I drove out of my way to stop at Sarah's work and bring her a bouncy ball, chap stick, and the very sexy NOW spray that she wanted, and I drove to and from Lansing in the SAME day RIGHT after my car accident for Alaina's birthday and i brought her a balloon and nice present. I am NOT saying I wanted a present- I am just saying that I thought about their birthdays so much and planned for them to make a special gift or trip to see them....and I don't even get a call. awesome. I feel really neglected. Kamina I expected a call or at least a text but since Adrian's OWN PARENTS didn't remember... I guess I was expecting WAY too much.

My own soon-to-be sister-in-law and NOTHING. ouch. some with my soon to be acquired second set of parents.... I am YET to forget one of their birthdays. yikes. At LEAST his mom called me a day late and said sorry that she forgot and then invited us over the following Sunday for breakfast.

wow. I am a grouch. and an attention whore. maybe next year I will have a birthday party- prolly not cause I don't get all that into it HAHA, but we shall see.

ON A REALLY POSITIVE NOTE...... I went to a fundraiser dinner with my family to help raise money for the Redford Food Pantry so that less fortunate families had food to eat, then my family and i (plus Louisa! and Adrian!) went to go see avatar 3d at imax. talk about bad ass. my mom and dad got me comfy jammies, a valentine candle, and new workout clothes- Adrian got me the movie "9" which I really wanted, a book, and a balloon, and best of all a SLEEK DVD player that matches our TV perfect.

All in all it was a nice birthday- but really? I wonder why everyone forgot?

relationship help

I think that every couple should read "The Five Love Languages" and "The Love Dare" before getting married. These books should be the basis of pre-marital counciling in a Christian home. I am working on reading the first one and working therough the devotions of the second one. Although my relationship has few flaws, each relationship has plenty of room for improvement

I will be updating as I read these books and I will provide any relevant and helpful information

a weight update

My birthday goal was to be under 200lbs. BUT. always a BIG BUTT with me. Something really bad happened. Heres how it went down:

At christmastime I bought all the fixins to make cream cheese sugar cookies with cream cheese frosting. Im talking the works- real cream cheese, butter, sugar, everything. BUT (another BUT!) I didnt have the guts to make them over the holidays because I was eating everything yummy at all my fruiends and families homes! I couldnt eat every delicious thing i saw and then come home to a house full of sweets. So- I waited until the 3rd week in January to make the damn cookies. I made 4 dozen. I took 1 dozen to work, adrian ate maybe 2-3 of them and I ate the rest. Yes- I ate 3 dozen cookies within 2 days. I didnt really eat any other food either, just cookies. Then I spent 2 days bloated at my favorite weight...212....

WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING? I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE PUT CRACK IN THOSE COOKIES AND I COULDNT STOP! So back to strict weight watchers point systems and killing myself at the gym to get back to my original goal which was to be under 200 by my birthday. Can I lose that much weight so quickly? yes. I can. I will. I have to.

I have been doing EXCELLENT this week- Friday night did an hour of cardio, Saturday did 20 minutes of cardio and yoga, Sunday I took off, Monday I did an hour of cardio, Tuesday I did a fitness incorporated training class and 20 minutes of cardio, then Wednesday (this morning) I did 40 mins of cardio. Whew. It was tiring just writing that. I am ALMOST where I need to be and that RULES.

I skipped my weigh in last week because I couldnt face the truth, that cookies could literally do such a mean thing to me. I cant skip anymore financially, I am paying to be there so I must face the music. I am also starting at a new center close to my house so I dont have to drive as far. I get nervous about new people and new experiences especially since I lost my WW buddy- thats no fun, but I will survive.

I have to keep looking at my dress, but moreso my dresses measurements. I am about 5 inches away from getting into it. THIS IS A HUGE incentive for me! Dresses are easily taken in but not so easily "let out'. I dont want to have my pride shot down by them having to add a shamu amount of material to the dress because then it would look less than perfect and it is PERFECT just how it is now!

To Baptize or not to Baptize?

2010. a new year full of new thoughts and new resolutions, but as I brought in the new year I really thought about life and love and faith and how it plays a role in every ones lives.

In my opinion (and the American baptist/non denominational church I was raised in) you are christened when you are born in hope that some day you will want to be baptized and accept Jesus Christ the son of God into your heart and follow his teachings to the best of your ability. You can get baptized at 8, you can get baptized at 88- age has nothing to do with this decision- there are no specific steps you follow for communion, confirmation, things like that. Here's my beef- One of my best friend has a friend (whom I also know as a friend/acquaintance) and she lives with her boyfriend. She attends church regularly with her boyfriend who is now on the churches staff playing in the praise band. Sounds perfect and happy and wonderful- she is baptized and he is not. As I understood it based on how the events were explained to me- the pastor of the church WILL not baptize him because he is living with his girlfriend. It drove me nuts all night. I was supposed to be bringing in the new year with my friends but all I wanted was to bring in the pastor to my life and give him a piece of my mind. This young man is saying that he wants the pastors grace in aiding him to be baptized- and the pastor just wont do it... probably because he sees it as the couple is "living in sin" as in perhaps having pre-martial sex- BUT! that is an assumption (granted I am sure that they are!) Times are different and to have a young person these days want to commit their lives to following Christ and playing in the churches band- is RARE. The bible tells us not to to judge because we will all be judged in the end by God himself... is the pastor not judging this young mans lifestyle and not baptizing him because of it?

I keep going back and forth. I know that the pastor is assuming that the couple is sleeping together, which is not of the best intentions of someone looking to devote their life to Christ. I also understand that premarital sex is not something that Christians should engage in, and the bible tells us that. I know a lot of people think its outdated or that times are different, but I get why it was written that way. What I don't understand is that no where (that I can find) in the bible does it say that a man and a woman cant share a home or an apartment - correct me if I am wrong because I have been hunting in that darn book.

I just feel bad for him- and for her. I would love if Adrian wanted to get baptized- OR heaven forbid wanted to go to church or a church function regularly. Id love if he wanted to discuss his afterlife feelings or what he thinks in terms of religion- but he shuts me up quickly if I even attempt to bring something up or ask him a question. Sure enough hes sweet as pie and the most thoughtful and caring man on the planet- so if I ask him to go to church or to a church even he is ready and willing, but he would NEVER want to go himself OR want to talk about anything that might have something to do with faith/prayer/God/religion, etc. I guess I am saying this because the girl was EXCITED to share a life in Christ with her boyfriend and have a Christian household and share beliefs and feelings with her significant other- I was a little jealous- yes, but more so I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND why he cant get baptized.

I am SURE that I am reading the situation, and I know the pastor agreed to it if they had some official paperwork or statement that their housing situation was temporary or SOMEthing like that.

Regardless- I don't like it and I cant get it off my mind. I think the reason I stopped going to church was because of things like that- hypocritical things. I'm so SURE that the pastor has never sinned and in the bible it says that a sin is a sin and all sins equal and will be judged in the eyes of God. I don't like a hierarchy of things in the church especially if it comes down to one person judging another or not helping another grow in his or her faith.

Man. I wish this wasnt bothering me so much. It just makes me question so many things.

I will update tomorrow or soon rather, with some new weight goals and new years resolutions and of course my current probationary state.

some deep-ish thoughts on Life/Love/God

"I used to think I knew everything. I was a "smart person" who "got things done", and because of that the higher I climbed the more I could look down and scoff at what seemed silly or simple, even religion. But I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better or smarter, only luckier"

I cannot live without my faith.

I recently read the book "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom.

Its embarrassing to say that I had never read Albom before, not "Tuesdays with Morrie" not anything really despite his increasing and historical popularity.

The book really changed the way that i think about things in general- I wanted to write down and reflect on some quotes as I had some time to write and think today- BUT! I forgot that I loaned the book to my dad so I have no real references, but the main thing to note about the book is that Albom expresses that as long as you have faith and live your life to the best of your ability, then it doesn't matter what religion you belong to. This particular book delves into Christianity and Judaism, and I learned many things about each that I did not previously know. How do I call myself a Christian when I lose faith in things so easily? How do I call myself a Christian when I don't tell others about my faith and keep it all bottled up? How do I call myself a Christian when the man I am supposed to be marrying will not speak to me about faith, or go to church, or even express a religious preference? I don't get it. I guess what I learned from the book was that personally I don't care what religion someone is or what rituals and rules they follow- I just want everyone to believe SOMEthing or have some convictions about their faith.

speaking of convictions- I have been one with plenty of faults, death of loved ones and divorce leading to depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide, not knowing my limits or being able to stop drinking, followed by my most recent and most expensive adventure of a DUI. I have been struggling with my weight- trying to get off the pounds that I put on during my times of drinking and depression. And with lost weight came increased self-esteem- greatly lowered by a man I cant make attracted to me. I know that I fall short because I have the sex drive of an entire fraternity of drunk college men combined into one little girl- but I cant help it I love when someone is attracted to me, and lately with my low self esteem I feel like I need SO much more attention than EVER. Before I was occasionally the center of attention because I liked everyone to laugh at me and with me and be loud and make jokes- I wanted people to love me for my personality. Now I find myself wanting a different kind of attention...I want to be noticed and wanted because I am charismatic or charming or something like that- I am not exactly sure how to put it.

I feel unconditionally loved - but unwanted

I feel completely needed in my companionship - but not desired

Its hard for me not to crave attention from men when I am feeling so crappy about the things in my life that I am unable to control- SO! recently I have tried to turn to God, [with some SERIOUS road blocks in the way] and I stumbled across this video.

this video shows a portrayal of a good Christian girl who follows God and everything is beautiful- they move together the girl is happy, but she is young, she is easily influenced, she wants friends, she wants attention. Each person that brings her further and further away from God. First she is romanced by sexual desire, then the grips of money and materialism and overcome her, next the peer pressure of drinking and partying with a girlfriend sway her until she is drinking alone- then she sees a thin model leading her into the traps of a media induced eating disorder, lastly she is haunted by depression, cutting and flirtation with suicide which I believe comes from the devil himself. I feel like this video directly speaks to me- I don't drink anymore, I am not greedy or materialistic any longer (well mainly because my finances don't allow for it), I do not worry about what others look like- instead I focus on what I would like to look like and worry about just being heart healthy and fit by eating right and exercising versus just NOT eating which is something I once struggled with, and at last- I don't cut my wrists anymore. ever. As a matter of fact this summer as a renewed relationship with Christ and with myself I got a tattoo of a cross over the scars on my arms where I used to cut myself. Although at times I feel lost and hopeless, I do not think of suicide any more because after we lost Ian I want to live a long and happy life. This does not mean that these things do not tempt me or get in the way of my relationship with God, it just means that I now know what to do to stay close on the path with God and fight off these things, because when you let God in and say your prayers he will protect you from the people and influences trying to harm you. I posted this video because I have personally struggled with all of the temptations that this young girl goes through and it just really spoke to me.

Here are the lyrics [everything by lifehouse]

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

..... too emotional to write anymore, but if you for some reason stumble across this pray for me and that I am better able to control the things getting in the way of my relationship with God and others (particularly my sex drive. ha.)

who needs sleep? ME!!!!

Hello.

Tonight is my 16th night of restless sleep. No wonder I am not losing weight- you need to sleep when you exercise and have a busy schedule to let your body REST!!! But I cant. I just cant. Every night I am EXHAUSTED by my full day of activity- but when it comes to bed, I just cant do it. Some nights I am VERY lucky and fall fast asleep, but I dont let that fool me because I know that anytime between 2 and 4 in the morning I will be up and raring to go. So I have limited my caffeine intake after 5, drank plenty of fluids, wrote down my feelings before bed, made sure I was warm and comfortable, and NOTHING works.

When I was younger I was diagnosed with a strange form of insomnia- where falling asleep was not the problem - it was actually STAYING asleep. I tried everything from ambien to trazodone, and I had every side effect from FORGETTING ENTIRE SEQUENCES OF EVENTS PRIOR TO BED (scary!) or I would just be so depressed and groggy the next day that NO ONE could force me out of my bed. SO! If the slew of side effects werent enough- the more I was able to sleep, the more medication my body would require to fall asleep. Non-habit forming my ass.

Where does that leave me? bouts of depression coupled with persistant insomnia for more than 2 weeks now. I look like HELL. Even the bags under my eyes are so tired that they are resting on my cheeks. My acne has acne. I look used.

Last night I decided that a good Idea would be to take some tylenol PM something not TOO strong but something that would ease my knee pain and help me get some coma-like sleep. I PASSED OUT while watching television at about 10pm. AH HA! but at 2:30a.m. you betcha I was up and outside playing with my dogs (who were also annoyed and climbed back in bed with Adrian) what in the world.

Tonight I will try Simply Sleep. Something else that came recommended so thast my liver wasnt constantly damaged with all the Tylenol in Tylenol PM.

Wish me some sleep so that I can look and feel healthy and happy again!


Here is 4 points for weight loss I read on someones "everyday health" blog
-avoid alcohol
-avoid processed foods
-avoid stachy carbs after 5pm
-avoid fried food

http://www.everydayhealth.com/blogs/workoutandloseweight/the-four-avoids-of-a-healthy-diet?xid=nl_EverydayHealthDietandNutrition_20091127

seems easy- but what about the processed foods? I am a sucker for frozen meals, meal bars, 100 cal snack packs, etc. hmm what to do....... I know people say that those things are ALL marketing, but what about consumer convinience? If I had the time and money to buy all fresh food every couple days there is NO doubt in my mind that I would, but its just unrealistic! I cant afford organic! I dont have time for shopping 3 times a week! I desire preservatives that can keep in my house until my next monthly shopping trip. Unlike my fiance, if something is even CLOSE to being expired- I PANIC! I guess I will just keep on keepin on and do what im doing until I can figure out a happy medium between sodium and preservatives versus fresh and organic food choices.

Having more does not keep you from wanting more.