Some thoughts on jealousy and envy:

Yesterday while in my step-aerobics and toning class I took my spot in the back where a.) no one could see my mess up if I stumbled on the moves- and oh yeah B.) so no one could see me PERIOD! So there I am collecting my materials for the class and Jillian Michaels places herself RIGHT in front of me. GEEEEEZ! Okay, it wasn't really Jillian Michaels, it was some other muscly goddess who turned around and asked my fat ass if the class was hard because she had never tried it. And there I was panting from just walking to the other side of the room to get a medicine ball, feeling the beads of sweat form as I set up my step-platform- SO HELL YES THE CLASS IS HARD....for me. i lied. I said the balancing was a little challenging but I am SURE she would do fine- and she did fine- and looked fine.

I could not believe how I could see each muscle that she had- like she was a dummy of muscles in a biology class leaning anatomy. I usually get REALLY jealous and feel awkward when people like that are around me- but I don't want to look like that, so I found myself admiring more than actually being jealous at all. I realized that when I see thin or fit people at the gym I have to give them a lot of credit because that is usually the time that I fly off the handle.

I can lose weight, sure. I cant freaking keep it off though LET ME TELL YOU! I used to look at these people at the gym while I was panting just carrying all my fat around from machine and think to myself , "man that girl doesn't need to work out just look at her" or "holy crap what business does she have to be at the gym looking so good?" THEIR SECRET? losing and maintaining weight loss and muscle tone is a lifelong goal and challenge for a lot of people. Just because you reach your goal does NOT mean that you can let your body go to shit again. That's my challenge- once I feel and look good in my skin, I STOP! why? I don't know all of a sudden I think I have a different metabolism and body shape and that fat could never catch back up with me but OH IT DOES! Fit people and thin people need to go to the gym too! They still have to work to maintain their looks- being in shape is a mentality to have for a lifetime.

I cant be jealous of in shape people at the gym, I have to be proud of them for their hard work and aspire to be like them and lastly, have the courage to maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes working out weekly.

Jealousy is a nasty thing. I found myself being jealous lately, of my friends, of strangers, of everyone. Whether it was a grade that someone else got, an article of clothing, a nice nose, or a nice body, I found myself wanting things that I did not have wherever I was (school, work, the gym, public, etc.) I read this article and found it to be really helpful and eye-opening about jealousy. I knew I had to find SOMEthing because I NEVER feel jealous, its new to me and I know that it is stemming from some insecurities I have about my evolving/misshapen body. I also feel jealousy lately regarding my education. WHY IS IT TAKING ME SO LONG TO GET THROUGH SCHOOL- WHY CANT I STICK WITH IT?! AND WHY ARE PEOPLE WHO GRADUATED 2 YEARS AFTER ME GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE WITH GOOD JOBS?! WTF MAN. I am glad I am not depressed and no one has died so I am able to stay with my classes and hopefully keep plugging away until I am a teacher!
(excerpt from Weight Watchers "Thinline" Magazine written by Helen Attridge Green. The Article is called "Taming the Monster: When Envy Rears Its Ugly Head, Listen to What it has to Say." You can find other work from green on http://www.innerwisdomcoaching.com/)

*Helen's words are bold, my commentary is italicised)

here goes...

Here are some steps you can take to tame envy and increase your happiness.

1.) LET THE ENVY INFORM YOU . . . . . Let yourself fully feel the needs, desires, longings, and yearnings behind your envy. Seeing it is the first step toward opening yourself to the good that you seek.

It is important to see your starting point so you can realize what is important to you and what you actual want. Its okay to admit to envy. Everyone is guilty of it- I even read a statistic once that we are not envious of movie stars or rich executives, but we are actually jealous of those close to us- people we imagine ourselves to be like. I thought that was interesting because a lot of the time I am comparing my looks, education, finances, with that of my peers rather it is in a positive or negative light. I find myself admiring the rich or movie stars for their good looks, but I have never said "I wish I was Bill Gates or Jessica Alba" I guess you could say that I am pretty reasonable when my ugly green monster comes out to play!

2.) ASK YOURSELF . . . . . What brings me joy? Be specific about what fulfills you in key areas of your life (finances, career, health, relationships, etc.) What actions can you take to to create the life you really want?

things that bring me joy
~ my fiance
~ my doggies - ESPECIALLY MY CEDAR!!!!
~ my family
~ being engaged
~ wedding planning
~ my girlfriends
~ my cuzzies/extended family
~ having a job in hard economic times
~ being a homeowner
~ being in control of my weight/food/workout
.....realistically I could go on & on & on .....

3.) TELL THE TRUTH . . . . . What have you done to further your own dreams and goals? Or, are you perhaps aspiring to goals that aren't really yours.

To further my goals I have been pursuing an education in Secondary Ed to teach middle or high school language arts and public speaking communication, I am eating right and working out in order to shed some lbs before my wedding, I am working enough hours and trying to sell lots of phones to save money and get in a better financial place before my wedding, I am taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds to try to get out of my miscarriage and losing Ian in the same month rut. I CAN say that I have definitely been trying to improve upon my life and achieve my goals no matter how long or short term they may be- I am SO blessed to have a support system especially of my Mom, Rachie, and Adrian cause GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW MUCH HELP I NEED!!!

4.) DESTROY ALL YOUR YARDSTICKS . . . . . in other words, don't compare! How do you feel about yourself and where you are? If you are happy than is doesn't matter what someone else has or does. If you are not, then take the steps toward what you want in life.

I need to know that if I am HAPPY- then I shouldn't give a damn what anyone else is like or what anyone else has. There are a few areas where I can be envious especially finances and weight. Instead of looking at other peoples skinny asses and money, I need to know that I am blessed with SO MUCH MORE than what most people have and I need to take the steps to save money and earn a promotion AND to eat right and exercise, because comparing to other people and being a bitch isn't going to get me what I want.

5.) COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS . . . . . When we feel envious, we often discount the good that is in our lives already. Notice what fortune is bestowed upon you and express it. Are you healthy? Do you have a warm bed to sleep in? Make a gratitude list and post it around the house, or keep it in your wallet.

This is similar to point #2 where you ask yourself what brings you joy- so don't mind the repeats!

How many people my age have good enough credit history to qualify for a mortgage to get a house? How many people ended up with their high school sweetheart going on 6 years headed into a beautiful marriage? How many people can say that they can truly love with their whole heart and know that someone returns their love equally? How many people strive beyond high school for a higher education? How many people my age have a job making as much money as I make? with full benefits? Sure I don't have enough money but I am no longer BURIED in credit card debt! How many people have close friends? ones who are there no matter what? or family that they know would drop everything to help in times of need?

I have an AMAZING Fiance, 2 awesome doggies, a beautiful little house that is just PERFECT for what we need, I don't have a LOT of money- but I have enough to pay my bills, I am enrolled in college at Eastern Michigan trying to further my education for my dream job as a teacher, i have a strong support system of people in my life, my few VERY close friends that I know I can always count on, my immediate family, and family of in-laws that would be there for me in a heartbeat.

6.) LET GO, WHEN NECESSARY . . . . . If you are 5'4 and have curly hair, you will never be 6'2 with straight hair. This kind of envy is a true waste of time. Put it where it belongs in the "waste" basket.

I don't know that this really applies to me, I am usually just envious of things that are within my reach! I know I will never be "skinny" or anything like that I simply don't have the body shape! I just know I can be a voluptuous fit person who will still have a curvy bottom and big boobs- it runs in the family- cant escape it!

7.) TRUST LIFE'S ABUNDANCE . . . . . Envy often stems from the unconscious belief that when someone else gets something good, there's one less for us- one less wonderful man or woman, one less good job. Every time you feel envy, remind yourself that there is enough good in the world for you to have your share too.

Everyone deserves their fair shot at the best things in life- I just have to keep in mind that the best things in life are free (but that does not mean that they are effortless!!!)

--- WHEW, this was a long but necessary entry for me- took me a couple of days to complete and edit it and now I see clearly how blessed I am and I will refer back to this entry in times of envy/jealousy ----