ohh boy. a little depression today. rats.

Me at my SMALLEST in my adult life: (19 yrs)

me at my LARGEST in my adult life: (23 yrs)

so here. this is me at my biggest. the biggest I will ever be. this will be the last time that i am photographed for a long time.

Today has been teary. that's an understatement. The tears started last night.

First, I am sick as a dog- running a fever, sore throat, cough, fatigue, the whole bit! Second of all, I had Monday off of work! which meant trying to relax and nap and take care of myself. Which turned into eat myself out of house and home on the couch. Then my parents invited me to coney island for an early dinner- i ate descent for eating out- some grilled chicken and veggies over rice with a pita. I did good, ate half and took half home for Adrian. THEN! I had plans to go out to dinner with Lindsay. We went to an AWESOME pizza place and we shared a personal pizza and spinach and artichoke dip. I thought that wasn't TOO bad but then I did my points for the day and i was 34 POINTS OVER MY DAILY ALLOWANCE. yikes. THAT WAS JUST THE START- because THEN I got constipated. So i ate all this food and lounged around being sick- and now I had to poop but couldn't. took a laxative, and it did nothing. NOTHING UNTIL TODAY AT MY STORE MANAGER ACADEMY when I had to leave every 2 minutes to take a poop. I am so bloated with poop and gas and I just feel revolting. So I am depressed today, its humid and gloomy. my boobs have lost weight and are soft and saggy. i just feel so crummy! so i bought a new bra that made me look better and some Halloween towels to cheer up my house and a new NIKE workout tank. I felt a little better- despite the bloat. [DID I MENTION THE FACT THAT I LOST MY PART TIME JOB?] oh yeah! cause I did! that's what started the depression! So I get home, log on my computer (my facebook specifically) and Kate had tagged me in some pictures from the night that I got into some trouble. I remember that night perfect! my hair looked great, I had a new shirt on (from KMART but so what!) and I just felt really pretty - I AM SO THANKFUL for days like that when I actually feel "put together" I know that everyone has felt like that at least a couple times. To feel beautiful is a rare and beautiful gift, and it was fortunate to come to me that night. NOW that I remember feeling so pretty I looked at those pictures today and gagged. I got the feeling that my mouth was salivating and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest choking me. It was the most intense devastation and anxiety that I had felt in a LONG TIME. How could I feel so pretty being so huge? I KNOW that the girls I was with happen to be particularly skinny, but I stand out like a LARGE sore thumb.