some deep-ish thoughts on Life/Love/God

"I used to think I knew everything. I was a "smart person" who "got things done", and because of that the higher I climbed the more I could look down and scoff at what seemed silly or simple, even religion. But I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better or smarter, only luckier"

I cannot live without my faith.

I recently read the book "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom.

Its embarrassing to say that I had never read Albom before, not "Tuesdays with Morrie" not anything really despite his increasing and historical popularity.

The book really changed the way that i think about things in general- I wanted to write down and reflect on some quotes as I had some time to write and think today- BUT! I forgot that I loaned the book to my dad so I have no real references, but the main thing to note about the book is that Albom expresses that as long as you have faith and live your life to the best of your ability, then it doesn't matter what religion you belong to. This particular book delves into Christianity and Judaism, and I learned many things about each that I did not previously know. How do I call myself a Christian when I lose faith in things so easily? How do I call myself a Christian when I don't tell others about my faith and keep it all bottled up? How do I call myself a Christian when the man I am supposed to be marrying will not speak to me about faith, or go to church, or even express a religious preference? I don't get it. I guess what I learned from the book was that personally I don't care what religion someone is or what rituals and rules they follow- I just want everyone to believe SOMEthing or have some convictions about their faith.

speaking of convictions- I have been one with plenty of faults, death of loved ones and divorce leading to depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide, not knowing my limits or being able to stop drinking, followed by my most recent and most expensive adventure of a DUI. I have been struggling with my weight- trying to get off the pounds that I put on during my times of drinking and depression. And with lost weight came increased self-esteem- greatly lowered by a man I cant make attracted to me. I know that I fall short because I have the sex drive of an entire fraternity of drunk college men combined into one little girl- but I cant help it I love when someone is attracted to me, and lately with my low self esteem I feel like I need SO much more attention than EVER. Before I was occasionally the center of attention because I liked everyone to laugh at me and with me and be loud and make jokes- I wanted people to love me for my personality. Now I find myself wanting a different kind of attention...I want to be noticed and wanted because I am charismatic or charming or something like that- I am not exactly sure how to put it.

I feel unconditionally loved - but unwanted

I feel completely needed in my companionship - but not desired

Its hard for me not to crave attention from men when I am feeling so crappy about the things in my life that I am unable to control- SO! recently I have tried to turn to God, [with some SERIOUS road blocks in the way] and I stumbled across this video.

this video shows a portrayal of a good Christian girl who follows God and everything is beautiful- they move together the girl is happy, but she is young, she is easily influenced, she wants friends, she wants attention. Each person that brings her further and further away from God. First she is romanced by sexual desire, then the grips of money and materialism and overcome her, next the peer pressure of drinking and partying with a girlfriend sway her until she is drinking alone- then she sees a thin model leading her into the traps of a media induced eating disorder, lastly she is haunted by depression, cutting and flirtation with suicide which I believe comes from the devil himself. I feel like this video directly speaks to me- I don't drink anymore, I am not greedy or materialistic any longer (well mainly because my finances don't allow for it), I do not worry about what others look like- instead I focus on what I would like to look like and worry about just being heart healthy and fit by eating right and exercising versus just NOT eating which is something I once struggled with, and at last- I don't cut my wrists anymore. ever. As a matter of fact this summer as a renewed relationship with Christ and with myself I got a tattoo of a cross over the scars on my arms where I used to cut myself. Although at times I feel lost and hopeless, I do not think of suicide any more because after we lost Ian I want to live a long and happy life. This does not mean that these things do not tempt me or get in the way of my relationship with God, it just means that I now know what to do to stay close on the path with God and fight off these things, because when you let God in and say your prayers he will protect you from the people and influences trying to harm you. I posted this video because I have personally struggled with all of the temptations that this young girl goes through and it just really spoke to me.

Here are the lyrics [everything by lifehouse]

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

..... too emotional to write anymore, but if you for some reason stumble across this pray for me and that I am better able to control the things getting in the way of my relationship with God and others (particularly my sex drive. ha.)

who needs sleep? ME!!!!

Hello.

Tonight is my 16th night of restless sleep. No wonder I am not losing weight- you need to sleep when you exercise and have a busy schedule to let your body REST!!! But I cant. I just cant. Every night I am EXHAUSTED by my full day of activity- but when it comes to bed, I just cant do it. Some nights I am VERY lucky and fall fast asleep, but I dont let that fool me because I know that anytime between 2 and 4 in the morning I will be up and raring to go. So I have limited my caffeine intake after 5, drank plenty of fluids, wrote down my feelings before bed, made sure I was warm and comfortable, and NOTHING works.

When I was younger I was diagnosed with a strange form of insomnia- where falling asleep was not the problem - it was actually STAYING asleep. I tried everything from ambien to trazodone, and I had every side effect from FORGETTING ENTIRE SEQUENCES OF EVENTS PRIOR TO BED (scary!) or I would just be so depressed and groggy the next day that NO ONE could force me out of my bed. SO! If the slew of side effects werent enough- the more I was able to sleep, the more medication my body would require to fall asleep. Non-habit forming my ass.

Where does that leave me? bouts of depression coupled with persistant insomnia for more than 2 weeks now. I look like HELL. Even the bags under my eyes are so tired that they are resting on my cheeks. My acne has acne. I look used.

Last night I decided that a good Idea would be to take some tylenol PM something not TOO strong but something that would ease my knee pain and help me get some coma-like sleep. I PASSED OUT while watching television at about 10pm. AH HA! but at 2:30a.m. you betcha I was up and outside playing with my dogs (who were also annoyed and climbed back in bed with Adrian) what in the world.

Tonight I will try Simply Sleep. Something else that came recommended so thast my liver wasnt constantly damaged with all the Tylenol in Tylenol PM.

Wish me some sleep so that I can look and feel healthy and happy again!


Here is 4 points for weight loss I read on someones "everyday health" blog
-avoid alcohol
-avoid processed foods
-avoid stachy carbs after 5pm
-avoid fried food

http://www.everydayhealth.com/blogs/workoutandloseweight/the-four-avoids-of-a-healthy-diet?xid=nl_EverydayHealthDietandNutrition_20091127

seems easy- but what about the processed foods? I am a sucker for frozen meals, meal bars, 100 cal snack packs, etc. hmm what to do....... I know people say that those things are ALL marketing, but what about consumer convinience? If I had the time and money to buy all fresh food every couple days there is NO doubt in my mind that I would, but its just unrealistic! I cant afford organic! I dont have time for shopping 3 times a week! I desire preservatives that can keep in my house until my next monthly shopping trip. Unlike my fiance, if something is even CLOSE to being expired- I PANIC! I guess I will just keep on keepin on and do what im doing until I can figure out a happy medium between sodium and preservatives versus fresh and organic food choices.

Having more does not keep you from wanting more.

today is about Facebook, not about weight.

Facebook.

I really liked it for a really long time, but I think I just need a break. When i first joined facebook I was a freshman in college. In that time the website was "thefacebook" and you HAD to have a valid university e-mail address in order to join. It was designed for staying in touch with classmates, it had an area for you to register your classes with the university, and become "friends" with people in your classes- that way you could get homework and put a name with a face instead of just e-mailing someone you don't know. I wanted Adrian to be my "friend" on Facebook, but since he went to a community college he was not allowed to join. Then Facebook opened up to community colleges, then to high schools, then to everyone. So now instead of being classmate focused it went out to people way younger, way older, and became way different than just networking with people YOUR age in YOUR classes. It used to be that the people who didn't go to college had a myspace cause they couldn't have a facebook and NOW- everyone has a facebook and it serves the same dramatic purpose as myspace did. Now everyone from my 11 year old cousin to my great aunts and uncles are on facebook.

So whats my problem? an easier way to stay in touch with all my extended family should be nice. For me, its not. I don't like that people read into status posts, look at all your pictures, write on your wall, send you a message but don't ever actually bother to inquire about you in real life- no calls, no texts, no visits, no plans to hang out. Why should I let these people in on my life and my feelings when all it is is boredom and social networking. Its a cop out, an EASY way to stay connected with loved ones when you don't have the time or interest in actually calling the person, seeing the person, etc. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS AWESOME- who has the time to stay in touch with every family member when you can just log on and there they all are! For some reason this doesn't work for me. I feel like a lot of the time that if i didn't have facebook that some of my family members and friends would not talk to me- just like they didn't before i had a facebook account.

I deactivated my account for MANY reasons! First, its a time waster. I waste more time on Facebook and I could be doing a LOT more proactive things. I look at peoples accounts that I don't even talk to, I look at their pictures and their friends and I don't even know why. I guess its something to do, something that helps me put off what I really SHOULD be doing. I also got in a bad habit of posting what I was doing every 5 seconds, as well as posting personal things about family and friends that caused a lot of drama- because like text messaging in general, with status updates it is hard to know someones tone (sarcasm, seriousness, kindness, etc) I also think that people (myself included) use Facebook as an attention getter... why do I want attention so badly? saying depressing lyrics when I'm feeling down, or making sure everyone that hates me knows how happy Adrian and I are, telling people I am stressed about finances, school, and life, letting people know I am excited to have my first Halloween and Christmas in my new house, etc. It seems like I am complaining and bragging to everyone on facebook every time I update my status and it is NOT necessary!

I am in no way saying I dont care about people in my life- nor am I saying that I want to be a hermitting recluse... I think its just time for a re-evaluation of who really matters to me, and who I really matter to and maybe some day I will be ready to "facebook" again but not today. During the holiday season I am going to get my priorities straight, as I have a lot of hard times ahead of me with friends, family, emotions, and food.

what about thanksgiving?

Hi Thanksgiving,

I just wanted to write you a little note to tell me that I am NOT willing to gain weight for you this year.

Love,
Jessica

What are my thanksgiving combat plans?

* Wear my "skinny" jeans, not the tapered leg ones but the ones that I wear when I am having a "skinny" day. This way I will feel very uncomfortable and confined and not want to over eat because I simply have no room. This is different from other years where I wore a jog suit or "fat" pants or something with an elastic waist so that i could pack in the food with only minor clothing discomfort. Ew. It grosses me out just to type out my old mentality on eating that dreaded holiday dinner.

* Wear a fitted sweater- this way I am hot and uncomfortable and since my whole family knows I am trying to loose weight i will want to uphold that image. With something fitted- i wont want to engorge myself with food because my shirt will cling to my belly. I will not hide in an over sized hoodie that could give me a chance to sneak and unbutton my pants.

* Eat little and eat often. I will graze all day instead of having one huge lump meal and make sure I am aware of what I am eating.

* Drink a lot- water & dietcoke will be my friend. I will get a fountain refill any second of the day to bloat my stomach and make me feel full AND I will drink water with every bite of food. I will not let some sodium and over eating limit my drink intake.

* I will NOT drink alcohol. again, I will NOT drink alcohol. AS MUCH AS I LOVE WINE TO PIECES, its just not a part of my life right now- and I am okay with that. I just need to repeat that I will not drink alcohol because if I write it out then I feel committed and other people read this that I will be around so this way I am accountable.

....get ready for this....

* I will go to lifetime before I go to my family's house. There is a fun & funk CRT class at 915am on thanksgiving that I will MOST CERTAINLY be at. I am going to get my heart going early and often. I never ONCE in a MILLION years thought that I would have the desire in me to work out on Thanksgiving- but this year I want to! I am NOT going to freaking gain any weight this Holiday season! I am going to maintain and lose ONLY and I will not accept anything less. My goal was to be under 200lbs by January 22nd (my birthday) and I am going to do it dammit and if I work hard enough then I will be hitting my 25 lbs by this weekend.

Seems like I have it all together- BUT (always a big BUTTTTTT)

I am worried about my work potluck on Friday. Everyone is bringing things I LOVE and I am just praying that I will be too busy to eat any of it but I know I will be passing by the spread of food ALL DAY LONG. I didn't even volunteer to bring anything healthy :( I should have. that was dumb.

I am going to workout tonight, workout tomorrow morning, get cardio crazy and lose some weight dammit!!!

I gave in to the Banzai Burger at Red Robin

So what. I gave in. I had to. This freaking burger was haunting me just about every other hour of every single day and if i thought that I could for ONCE control my food thoughts during the day it would come to me in the night! I had a dream it was following me driving the car behind me. I had a dream it plopped down and sat itself next to me on the couch. I also had a dream that we aerved these deadly burgers AT MY FREAKIN wedding!!!! and I couldnt have one! how rude!! So I had a stressful court date, I had been trying to shake this achey fever, AND I crumbled. I think that since I had this burger that I have had my fill for a while and I dont feel deprived. The thing that I keep wondering is that the burger was about a pound of fat with the french friends (3600 calories) so after I ate it i drank a lot of water and walked around Oakland mall for about an hour shopping for a ring for adrian, and this morning I weighed LESS! what in the world. I had been up to even seeing 215.8 on the scale- but this morning I saw 208.6 and I WILL TAKE IT!!!!!!!!! Even if it is just a mean trick that my scale is playing on me!

Dear Banzai Burger,

After weeks and weeks of you haunting me in my dreams whether it be on my couch or in my rearview mirror- I finally gave in to your zillion calorie goodness. You were worth it, but I am sorry to say that I have had my "fix" and wont be needing you any more SO STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY THOUGHTS ABOUT WHAT TO HAVE TO EAT! thanks!

your biggest fan,

Jessica

So my girlfriend and I broke up- actually she dumped me

So here is the scoop.....

New Couple Alert: ‘Biggest Loser’ Sweethearts Rebecca & DanielNovember 17th, 2009 9:50 pm / Author: Mary Beth Quirk

They lost the weight — and gained a romance. Daniel Wright, 20, a student from Willow Spring, N.C., and Rebecca Meyer, 25, a student from Des Moines, Iowa, were best friends on the ranch while contestants on The Biggest Loser. And now, OK! can exclusively reveal — they’re a couple!

The couple dropped a few hints of their romance, including Daniel’s promise at his elimination on Nov. 10 to introduce friends to his “new girlfriend” at the episode’s finale. Rebecca’s tears at his elimination was also an indication of her true feelings for her new beau.

The newly slimmed down twosome decided to make things romantic during a Sept. 11 phone call, and have spoken on the phone every day, a source close to the show tells OK!. “They initially planned to see each other one week every month, but it has increased to two weeks,” the insider reveals. FOR MORE ON REBECCA & DANIEL, PICK UP THE NEW ISSUE OF OK! — ON SALE EVERYWHERE THURSDAY!

WHAT?? WHY? I don't understand! I cant comprehend! Does she NOT know how HOT she is? I guess this goes back to you should never be with someone based on appearance- but come on! she is SO spunky and goofy and hes such an awkward nerd that I NEVER saw this coming. I had such a weirdo fan/lesbo crush on her that I am just dumbfounded that this relationship was even going on. shoot me. I got the call this morning from my cousin to tell me the tummy turning gossip (I have had the flu so I have already been sick to my stomach but this put me over the edge!) I am SUCH A CREEP that I am taking it SO personal- I mean I just want her to know how awesome she is and that she can date like a witty, handsome, older, man- not some long distance dweeb that may be cheery and positive- but shows no commitment to weight loss (hence he has been on the show 2 TIMES and has been the only contestant this season that GAINED weight at a weigh in!) can he commit to a long distance relationship at such a young age? and when i think of them dating, I picture them having sex, and now my feelings are really hurt, and i will never look at her the same.

man, i am so glad to get that off my chest. There are very few celebrities (or females in general rather) that I am very attracted to- but she is definitely one of them. It wasn't just physical either- yeah shes freaking beautiful and has a great smile, complexion, and similar hourglass shape that i have- but! she is also funny and immature and easily excited and pumped up just like me and i think her idea to open a gym for overweight kids is so important since America is just BLOWING up these days with everyone being over weight- our children are the future so lets start showing them a healthy lifestyle young! whew. run on sentences. she gets me happy- I feel really excited when I hear her talk or see her- I don't know if i want to date her, want to be her best friend, or just want to be her- whatever it is i have never had a show that i watch religiously or a celebrity that i was really crazy abut.

I can now say that I am HOOKED on the biggest loser and its positive ideas and stories and recipes- AND my new "celebrity" if you will that I wanted to follow was Rebecca.

BUT- here we are, shes dating Daniel (one of my LEAST favorite contestants) she has a different haircut and more of a baby-ish attitude after arguing about the elimination with Rudy. So finally I must get over the nonsense and end my odd obsession so...cheers- here's to you Rebecca, its been real, good luck with everything that you do and know that your warm spirit and good looks will always have people drawn to you.

I want the " 2 1 2 " out of my life ! ! ! ! !

Well- it has been a long time since I have updated this blog and I think I will be frank- my weight loss excitement has died down because my weight loss has S L O W E D down immensely. I have weighed 212 pounds for days, for weeks. week one it was 212.8 , then week 2 it was 212.6, and finally week 3 it was 212.2.

can we just say I have hit a brick wall and I'm FREAKING SICK OF 212. bring on 215 bring on 210, but PLEASE just let me be rid of this dreaded 212. I feel like I have invented the weight loss plateau. I NEVER imagined that I would have any serious trouble getting the weight off because week after week I was shedding at LEAST a pound- BUT low & behold, here I am JUST LIKE THEY SAID I WOULD BE- at my weight loss plateau. I am expanding my readings about a healthy lifestyle lately, because I am craving enthusiasm and encouragement and just overall struggling.

I HIT MY 20 POUND MARK! HURRAY!!

I lost 20 pounds- wow that's a lot of weight. I had no idea that I could lose that much weight. My goal was to weigh 213 (down 20 pounds) by Thanksgiving and ::drumroll: here I am at the end of OCTOBER not NOVEMBER down 20 smackaroos. How cool is that? I feel really empowered.

I was talking to my buddy at work and told him I hit my 20 lbs BUT Jeff hit his 21 pound mark. haha just joking. Today we talked about at work how aggravating it is when people "one up" each other- THAT IS ONE OF MY PET PEEVES! If you did something cooler than the experience I am sharing BY ALL MEANS TELL ME but please pLeAsE PLEASE don't do it constantly!!


Lately I have been really struggling with my program, I am hoping to be able to get motivated and excited about it SOON but I just have a lot of personal stuff going on right now.

Some thoughts on jealousy and envy:

Yesterday while in my step-aerobics and toning class I took my spot in the back where a.) no one could see my mess up if I stumbled on the moves- and oh yeah B.) so no one could see me PERIOD! So there I am collecting my materials for the class and Jillian Michaels places herself RIGHT in front of me. GEEEEEZ! Okay, it wasn't really Jillian Michaels, it was some other muscly goddess who turned around and asked my fat ass if the class was hard because she had never tried it. And there I was panting from just walking to the other side of the room to get a medicine ball, feeling the beads of sweat form as I set up my step-platform- SO HELL YES THE CLASS IS HARD....for me. i lied. I said the balancing was a little challenging but I am SURE she would do fine- and she did fine- and looked fine.

I could not believe how I could see each muscle that she had- like she was a dummy of muscles in a biology class leaning anatomy. I usually get REALLY jealous and feel awkward when people like that are around me- but I don't want to look like that, so I found myself admiring more than actually being jealous at all. I realized that when I see thin or fit people at the gym I have to give them a lot of credit because that is usually the time that I fly off the handle.

I can lose weight, sure. I cant freaking keep it off though LET ME TELL YOU! I used to look at these people at the gym while I was panting just carrying all my fat around from machine and think to myself , "man that girl doesn't need to work out just look at her" or "holy crap what business does she have to be at the gym looking so good?" THEIR SECRET? losing and maintaining weight loss and muscle tone is a lifelong goal and challenge for a lot of people. Just because you reach your goal does NOT mean that you can let your body go to shit again. That's my challenge- once I feel and look good in my skin, I STOP! why? I don't know all of a sudden I think I have a different metabolism and body shape and that fat could never catch back up with me but OH IT DOES! Fit people and thin people need to go to the gym too! They still have to work to maintain their looks- being in shape is a mentality to have for a lifetime.

I cant be jealous of in shape people at the gym, I have to be proud of them for their hard work and aspire to be like them and lastly, have the courage to maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes working out weekly.

Jealousy is a nasty thing. I found myself being jealous lately, of my friends, of strangers, of everyone. Whether it was a grade that someone else got, an article of clothing, a nice nose, or a nice body, I found myself wanting things that I did not have wherever I was (school, work, the gym, public, etc.) I read this article and found it to be really helpful and eye-opening about jealousy. I knew I had to find SOMEthing because I NEVER feel jealous, its new to me and I know that it is stemming from some insecurities I have about my evolving/misshapen body. I also feel jealousy lately regarding my education. WHY IS IT TAKING ME SO LONG TO GET THROUGH SCHOOL- WHY CANT I STICK WITH IT?! AND WHY ARE PEOPLE WHO GRADUATED 2 YEARS AFTER ME GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE WITH GOOD JOBS?! WTF MAN. I am glad I am not depressed and no one has died so I am able to stay with my classes and hopefully keep plugging away until I am a teacher!
(excerpt from Weight Watchers "Thinline" Magazine written by Helen Attridge Green. The Article is called "Taming the Monster: When Envy Rears Its Ugly Head, Listen to What it has to Say." You can find other work from green on http://www.innerwisdomcoaching.com/)

*Helen's words are bold, my commentary is italicised)

here goes...

Here are some steps you can take to tame envy and increase your happiness.

1.) LET THE ENVY INFORM YOU . . . . . Let yourself fully feel the needs, desires, longings, and yearnings behind your envy. Seeing it is the first step toward opening yourself to the good that you seek.

It is important to see your starting point so you can realize what is important to you and what you actual want. Its okay to admit to envy. Everyone is guilty of it- I even read a statistic once that we are not envious of movie stars or rich executives, but we are actually jealous of those close to us- people we imagine ourselves to be like. I thought that was interesting because a lot of the time I am comparing my looks, education, finances, with that of my peers rather it is in a positive or negative light. I find myself admiring the rich or movie stars for their good looks, but I have never said "I wish I was Bill Gates or Jessica Alba" I guess you could say that I am pretty reasonable when my ugly green monster comes out to play!

2.) ASK YOURSELF . . . . . What brings me joy? Be specific about what fulfills you in key areas of your life (finances, career, health, relationships, etc.) What actions can you take to to create the life you really want?

things that bring me joy
~ my fiance
~ my doggies - ESPECIALLY MY CEDAR!!!!
~ my family
~ being engaged
~ wedding planning
~ my girlfriends
~ my cuzzies/extended family
~ having a job in hard economic times
~ being a homeowner
~ being in control of my weight/food/workout
.....realistically I could go on & on & on .....

3.) TELL THE TRUTH . . . . . What have you done to further your own dreams and goals? Or, are you perhaps aspiring to goals that aren't really yours.

To further my goals I have been pursuing an education in Secondary Ed to teach middle or high school language arts and public speaking communication, I am eating right and working out in order to shed some lbs before my wedding, I am working enough hours and trying to sell lots of phones to save money and get in a better financial place before my wedding, I am taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds to try to get out of my miscarriage and losing Ian in the same month rut. I CAN say that I have definitely been trying to improve upon my life and achieve my goals no matter how long or short term they may be- I am SO blessed to have a support system especially of my Mom, Rachie, and Adrian cause GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW MUCH HELP I NEED!!!

4.) DESTROY ALL YOUR YARDSTICKS . . . . . in other words, don't compare! How do you feel about yourself and where you are? If you are happy than is doesn't matter what someone else has or does. If you are not, then take the steps toward what you want in life.

I need to know that if I am HAPPY- then I shouldn't give a damn what anyone else is like or what anyone else has. There are a few areas where I can be envious especially finances and weight. Instead of looking at other peoples skinny asses and money, I need to know that I am blessed with SO MUCH MORE than what most people have and I need to take the steps to save money and earn a promotion AND to eat right and exercise, because comparing to other people and being a bitch isn't going to get me what I want.

5.) COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS . . . . . When we feel envious, we often discount the good that is in our lives already. Notice what fortune is bestowed upon you and express it. Are you healthy? Do you have a warm bed to sleep in? Make a gratitude list and post it around the house, or keep it in your wallet.

This is similar to point #2 where you ask yourself what brings you joy- so don't mind the repeats!

How many people my age have good enough credit history to qualify for a mortgage to get a house? How many people ended up with their high school sweetheart going on 6 years headed into a beautiful marriage? How many people can say that they can truly love with their whole heart and know that someone returns their love equally? How many people strive beyond high school for a higher education? How many people my age have a job making as much money as I make? with full benefits? Sure I don't have enough money but I am no longer BURIED in credit card debt! How many people have close friends? ones who are there no matter what? or family that they know would drop everything to help in times of need?

I have an AMAZING Fiance, 2 awesome doggies, a beautiful little house that is just PERFECT for what we need, I don't have a LOT of money- but I have enough to pay my bills, I am enrolled in college at Eastern Michigan trying to further my education for my dream job as a teacher, i have a strong support system of people in my life, my few VERY close friends that I know I can always count on, my immediate family, and family of in-laws that would be there for me in a heartbeat.

6.) LET GO, WHEN NECESSARY . . . . . If you are 5'4 and have curly hair, you will never be 6'2 with straight hair. This kind of envy is a true waste of time. Put it where it belongs in the "waste" basket.

I don't know that this really applies to me, I am usually just envious of things that are within my reach! I know I will never be "skinny" or anything like that I simply don't have the body shape! I just know I can be a voluptuous fit person who will still have a curvy bottom and big boobs- it runs in the family- cant escape it!

7.) TRUST LIFE'S ABUNDANCE . . . . . Envy often stems from the unconscious belief that when someone else gets something good, there's one less for us- one less wonderful man or woman, one less good job. Every time you feel envy, remind yourself that there is enough good in the world for you to have your share too.

Everyone deserves their fair shot at the best things in life- I just have to keep in mind that the best things in life are free (but that does not mean that they are effortless!!!)

--- WHEW, this was a long but necessary entry for me- took me a couple of days to complete and edit it and now I see clearly how blessed I am and I will refer back to this entry in times of envy/jealousy ----

fat people cannot dress "Fashionable"

* small purses * leggings * big belts for the waist * skinny jeans * tight fitting coats * thin strapped/attractive bras

WHAT DO ALL THESE ITEMS HAVE IN COMMON???
these items look REALLY good on thin people
and REALLY bad on fat people - AND I like them

1.) Small Purses:

I always have a big bag because i feel like I need it to fit at least a sweatshirt so I can hide my body- I always need a hairbrush because I need to make sure my hair isnt stringy, and of course room for my makeup- so my face looks flawless and not oily or pimply. and lastly I usually have a big purse because I watched an episode of "what not to wear" and they said that fat people should not have small purses because it makes them look bigger- a good idea. Here are my thoughts on that: If i was confident enough with my body I wouldnt have to hide it in a spare sweatshirt and I wouldnt have to always be dolled up with my hair and makeup because id be more than just a pretty face. I bought a small purse because thats my goal and I am going to start to be confident from the inside out and not have to carry my whole life with me. Just essentials- chapstick, wallet, compact, mascara- DONE. This way I have my small purse with my as a reminder to keep my eye on the prize.

2.) Leggings:

PLEASE LET THESE STILL BE FASHIONABLE BY THE TIME I AM ABLE TO WEAR THEM WITHOUT GROSSING OUT THE GENERAL PUBLIC. I mean it doesnt get more comfy than some spandex and a long shirt. Who would have thought that the 80s would be back- PLEASE let this look stay until at least the spring LOL

3.) Wide Waist Belts:

I definately know that overweight people cannot pull this look off- it makes you look like a dumbell or hourglass or just a sausage that is cut in half and exploding at both ends. Basically anything that is squishing and seperating your rolls is to be frowned upon. This look helps mid-sized people appear to have a small waist, and helps thin-sized people appear to have boobs and butt- this look can help and seperate for a lot of people- JUST NOT FAT PEOPLE.

4.) Skinny Jeans:

I think the only reason I really want these is for some wardrobe variation, but they are called "Skinny" jeans for a reason- AND THAT REASON IS NOT BECAUSE THE HEM AT THE BOTTOM IS TAPERED. They are called skinny jeans because only skinny people can wear them. Its like a club: "Skinny people in Skinny jeans only" I think I want a pair of these because right now I cant wear them/pull them off- AND because they happen to be fashionable.

5.) Tight Fitting Coats:

Rather its a pea coat or a mini leather bomber jacket- I just feel like tight fitting coats flatter the "fit" but they dont make cute coats for the overweight and if they did they just wouldnt fit/look right. This applies to jean jackets also! As the cold weather approaches there are a LOT of cute coats that I know of and yet, I am stuck with my big ol columbia jacket until I do SOMEthing about this chub

6.) Thin Strapped/Cute Bras:

If I were someone important I would design matching bra and panty sets that could hold large boobs AND be somewhat cute! I would have less than an inch for a strap and I would have many more colors than black,white, nude, and baby pink. I am looking forward to losing weight because with that will come smaller boobs thus less back problems and way cuter bras

An October Update . . . . . . .

Okay well it has been 2 months since I began my diet or "lifestyle change" if you will and I have lost 16 pounds. began at 233 and I am now at 217. its SO AWESOME AND SUCKY!!!! I don't want to be over 200 pounds, I just feel disgusting. At the same token I am so proud of myself and what I am beginning to look like and the new healthier happier person that I am becoming/want to become.

SO IN THE EVENT OF STRATEGIC AND PROGRESSIVE WEIGHTLOSS I WILL REVIST MY GOALS:

First Weightloss Event - Shannon's Bridal Shower (goal: minus 10 by then, weight: 223)

BETWEEN THESE GOALS I WILL HAVE LOST 5% OF MY STARTING WEIGHT WHICH IS 12 LBS PUTTING ME AT 221 WHICH IS MY FIRST GOAL SET BY WEIGHT WATCHERS

Second Weightloss Event - Amy's Halloween Party (goal: minus 15 by then, weight: 218)

= = = == = = = HERE I AM = = = = = = = = =

Third Weightloss Event - Thanksgiving (goal: minus 20 by then, weight: 213)BETWEEN THESE GOALS I WILL HAVE LOST 10% OF MY STARTING WEIGHT WHICH IS 23 LBS PUTTING ME AT 210 WHICH IS MY SECOND GOAL SET BY WEIGHT WACTHERS.

Fourth Weightloss Event - Christmas (goal: minus 25 by then, weight: 208)

Fifth Weightloss Event - My Birthday January 22nd (goal: minus 30 by then, weight 203)SECRETLY ID LIKE TO WEIGH 199 BY MY BIRTHDAY TO PUT ME UNDER THE DREADED 200.
----------------------------------------------------------

What does this mean in the scheme of things? Sure I feel like the weight is coming off slow- BUT I am right where I need to be in terms of what I set my original goals to be. Amys party isnt until the 23rd of October so I will still have 2 weeks (1 weigh in) to go before her party- so time to evaluate and improve my goals to create more of a challenge!

By Amy's Party (October 23rd) - weight: 214

November 7th - weight: 211 (this will be when I hit my 10% goal, which is 213, and HOPEFULLY this can happen before rachie poo hits her 10% goal cause then I get the way cool prize!!!)

Thanksgiving weigh in on November 28th - weight: 208

December 12th - weight: 205

December 26th - CHRISTMAS weight: 202

LASTLY MY GOAL TO BRING IN THE NEW YEAR IS 199.9
I don't care that its .1 away from 200- the point is that it is under 200 and i will never go back to being over 200 pounds again - gross.

WISH ME LUCK on these NEW goals and I am sure I will revisit these in a few weeks and have an update!!

oh boy!

well I have a cold- but felt SO awful after having a bad couple days THEN watching the biggest loser that I went to the gym. Ended up just doing a wee warm up and some weights. I didn't want to get my heart going too much while hacking up a lung.

So today- I sat all day so I took away 2 points. I am about to walk my dogs and then go to the gym. definitely giving it 110% tonight. Right now my MORNING weight is 3 pounds up! yikes! time to get into high gear! I am saying my prayers for energy and persistence!

ohh boy. a little depression today. rats.

Me at my SMALLEST in my adult life: (19 yrs)

me at my LARGEST in my adult life: (23 yrs)

so here. this is me at my biggest. the biggest I will ever be. this will be the last time that i am photographed for a long time.

Today has been teary. that's an understatement. The tears started last night.

First, I am sick as a dog- running a fever, sore throat, cough, fatigue, the whole bit! Second of all, I had Monday off of work! which meant trying to relax and nap and take care of myself. Which turned into eat myself out of house and home on the couch. Then my parents invited me to coney island for an early dinner- i ate descent for eating out- some grilled chicken and veggies over rice with a pita. I did good, ate half and took half home for Adrian. THEN! I had plans to go out to dinner with Lindsay. We went to an AWESOME pizza place and we shared a personal pizza and spinach and artichoke dip. I thought that wasn't TOO bad but then I did my points for the day and i was 34 POINTS OVER MY DAILY ALLOWANCE. yikes. THAT WAS JUST THE START- because THEN I got constipated. So i ate all this food and lounged around being sick- and now I had to poop but couldn't. took a laxative, and it did nothing. NOTHING UNTIL TODAY AT MY STORE MANAGER ACADEMY when I had to leave every 2 minutes to take a poop. I am so bloated with poop and gas and I just feel revolting. So I am depressed today, its humid and gloomy. my boobs have lost weight and are soft and saggy. i just feel so crummy! so i bought a new bra that made me look better and some Halloween towels to cheer up my house and a new NIKE workout tank. I felt a little better- despite the bloat. [DID I MENTION THE FACT THAT I LOST MY PART TIME JOB?] oh yeah! cause I did! that's what started the depression! So I get home, log on my computer (my facebook specifically) and Kate had tagged me in some pictures from the night that I got into some trouble. I remember that night perfect! my hair looked great, I had a new shirt on (from KMART but so what!) and I just felt really pretty - I AM SO THANKFUL for days like that when I actually feel "put together" I know that everyone has felt like that at least a couple times. To feel beautiful is a rare and beautiful gift, and it was fortunate to come to me that night. NOW that I remember feeling so pretty I looked at those pictures today and gagged. I got the feeling that my mouth was salivating and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest choking me. It was the most intense devastation and anxiety that I had felt in a LONG TIME. How could I feel so pretty being so huge? I KNOW that the girls I was with happen to be particularly skinny, but I stand out like a LARGE sore thumb.

irritated about my womanly-ness

I am really irritated. My weigh in is tomorrow and I started my period JUST now like Niagara freaking falls. the whole bit- tired, swollen, sore, and BLOATED as all heck. This morning I weighed 2 lbs more than usual, so if that was my morning weight on my way to my period I'd HATE to see what tomorrow will bring. BOO HISS.

10 pound blue ribbon! I am the PRIZE PIG

WELL- I did it! I am T E N pounds lighter and although i dont see major changes about the way my body looks, I feel incredible and in control. The feeling of being in control of your actions and feelings about your body is the best feeling I have had in a long time and I wish that everyone could have that feeling about themselves and their body.

I want people to notice- losing weight is such hard work and you have to make some serious conscious efforts in order to do it! I wonder how many pounds I will lose before someone says something- maybe they wont. maybe weight just doesn't matter- I guess it really doesn't, its nothing that I ever really bothered with myself or particularly noticed on other people.
I am nothing to look at, but I want someone to look at me and notice me. hahaha.

I AM WORRYING ABOUT MY SKIN SAGGING.

already my front butt feels like its resting on my thighs when i sit down and its hurting my feelings. I HOPE that i can "bounce back" and my skin will look normal.

I have hit my goal for Shannon's shower which is next week- THEN my next goal that weight watchers set for me is my 5% goal which is about 12 lbs. I hope to hit that next week.

well see what happens! I want to look good in a 2 piece swimming suit for my honeymoon!

finding time

tomorrow is weigh in again! cant believe it came so quick again! it snuck up on me- AND im on my period so I feel so bloated and NOT thin! yuck.

I will live. I need to stop talking about exercise and actually exercise

With work and school and stress I NEED to make time for myself and my health

No Pain EQUALS 1/2 pound GAIN!!

WELL THE DREADED GAIN CAME AND WENT- So now I have to lose 2.2 pounds to get to my 10 pound goal cause I set myself behind by gaining 0.6 of a pound this week

Interesting :)

I hate being fat, but I am thankful that I am proportionally fat- ya know- fat everywhere. I see a lot of people who are top heavy, bottom heavy, or just have their body fat stored in the most awkward places. So if I have one thing to be happy about being fat it is that I am round everywhere and not odd looking due to the dispersion of my lipids.

if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got

I am at 24 points out of 30 and it is noon. not good.

I ate 1 cup of Special K and was still hungry. So I ate 1 cup of shredded wheat (usually fills me up more) and I was still hungry. THEN! I got to work to discover my boss had brought in bagels and cream cheese (no fair!) So- I ate a bagel while I did the morning paper work. An everything bagel with light cream cheese - so 7 points for the bagel, and 3 points for the cream cheese- NOT enough to cramp my style or ruin my day.

THEN THERE WAS A RAISIN BAGEL an hour later that was looking at me- no I was not hungry, and no I did not need it, BUT I ate yet another HUGE bagel and had cream cheese on it. and NOW due to the 2 bagels and my coffee I am at 24 points. depressing.

My morning weight was 2.7 pounds over my weight of my weigh in last week which means that I gained. NOT GOOD.

Rachael is making me go to weight watchers tomorrow. I don't want to face the scale, but I think that facing the scale is the only way that I can get back on track. yuck & yikes

fml this week.

3 days til weigh in #3

2 words for today: Olive Garden.

yikes.

Its funny because people LOVE Olive Garden, and I don't even like it. If I was going to blow my weight watcher points on something it would be something cool like Cold Stone or Salt and Vinegar Chips- certainly not Italian food. Although its good, its not something I crave or look forward to. I am actually getting nervous because I am eating there tonight and I don't really know what to order. I have been researching it online and I think I have a grasp of what to do and what not to do when eating there. Its Alaina's Birthday and she loves the place- which rules, but their healthy options are limited.

Why am I worried? with the point system I have a pool of points I can take from if I plan on going over I can make sure that I eat right the few days before so that I don't blow the whole week- BUT here goes... I already blew this week.

I have been under so much stress with the "F" word. well 2 "F" words really - Finances & Fiance. ew. Things have been really challenging lately and I have definitely been comfort eating. I guess I have been eating the right things- just not watching portions and not writing down what I am eating which was one of my goals for the week. I also have not been drinking that much water for the sole reason that I have been depressed and too lazy to go pee every 5 seconds.

not good. I told my cousin that I am doing weight watchers with yesterday that I had been messing up and she was SO positive reminding me that its not too late and that I can still reclaim my week because I CERTAINLY don't want to gain on Saturday morning. Despite her realistic advice I haven't really done anything noteworthy of weightloss. I was supposed to exercise yesterday- and didn't. I am just SO tired and making excuses for everything to not eat right and exercise in just my 3rd week! Where is the fire that I had in week 1 and week 2? wow.

So now I am up a couple pounds this week, and have 2 full days to redeem myself, and NOW I am going to Olive Garden. I think I will fast Friday- meaning LOTS of veggies and LOTS of "pointless"soup and lean protein and TRY TRY TRY to get to at least 1 lb down if not 1.6lbs which would put me at 10lbs total. grr!!

I think sleep is affecting me negatively as well because I am waking up every 2 hours to let my baby puppy out, and then struggling to fall back asleep. Apparently you "lose weight" when you are asleep says some online articles- and I have not been sleeping, so maybe that is some of my issue.

The other issue that may have to do with some weight gain is my period- or lack there of. I know I am not pregnant, so that is not a concern. I think that my severe change in diet in addition to severe constipation has lead to no menstruation for august. strange. I felt really bloated at the beginning of the week like I was going to start even though I was due to start last week- and I am still feeling that way...."front butt-ish" if you will. I don't like it. In my first 2 weeks I had several mornings where I would wake up feeling thinner and really hungry and empowered. This week I am feeling bloated and lethargic about everything.

today is the day for water drinking and low point foods before going to the dreaded Olive Garden tonight. wish me luck!

A funny thought for the day: "Unhealthy: what thin people call you when you are fat and fat people call you when you are thin"

I would like to be healthy- SOONER THAN LATER! yikes!

Why am I feeling down in the dumps?

rats. today was AWESOME. SO! why am I feeling so down in the dumps? I guess just personal stuff. I am in a bit of a rut financially and with my relationship and I feel like things are so out of control right now that my weight is just about the only thing that I can control. I control how often I work out, and I control what goes in my mouth.



I lost ANOTHER 4.2 POUNDS! holy crap! I am SO close to where I wanted to be on September 26th for Shannons only 1.6 more pounds to go then I will be at 10 lbs which is my first goal! yikes!

I need to be excited because this negitivity is a slippery slope downward. Why sometimes is it SO easy to be crabby but MUCH harder to be positive and perky about anything? especially if the "anything" is something as exciting as weightloss.

::think positive thoughts this week::

Hope I didnt blow it. . . . . high stress day!!

Today is the last day to make food and exercise decisions before tomorrow mornings weigh in. I have high anxiety the day before a weigh in. I just worry a lot. This is my second weigh in and I am not ready to be disappointed.

I just ate a foot long turkey sub. feeling QUITE full. a little too full. not good. beyond just "satisfied." I would have been JUST fine with 6 inches but for some reason I felt the need to eat the whole thing. rats. I should have just bought a 6 inch and then thats all there would be to eat and I am SURE it would be PLENTY of food. darn. I just couldn't do that today.

So- what to do about it? Eat lightly tonight and drink lots of fluids (especially water) to flush my system and HOPEfully the weigh in tomorrow goes well.

I know I am carrying around more weight because I feel puffy after working out ands my muscles are big and sore. crap. I really don't want to mess up my weigh in so that I can SEE the numbers going down- BUT at the same time I know I am doing my body good by putting in good food, lots of water, and activity- BUT for some odd reason, its important for me to see the numbers go down, maybe later in this game I will be more concerned about how I look and feel.

I'll update tomorrow with the results.

You mean to tell me I have to do that bullsh*t for 30 DAYS!?!?!

Today I started the 30 day shred and Jillian Michael's is dead to me.

There is NO WAY that a 400 pound person can do any sort of modified level 1 of the 30 day shred. If you have done this- you know what I'm talking about. I felt so overweight and jiggly that the fat on the top of my feet and my forehead fat and just EVERYTHING about my body was disgustingly quivering with motion. I felt like I wanted to throw up- not only because the moves were excruciating and forcing me to do things that my body cant do but also because the jiggling factor of my entire body was just plain making me sick.

I am gross because I am obese and jiggly.
Jillian Michael's is gross because she is too ripped and manly.

Can I find a happy medium? I HOPE SO!

this program has worked for SO many people and you can feel it doing SOMEthing so it just may be working deep inside of me! ha! Who knew there were muscles under my layers of fat? maybe they will come out of hiding in a couple weeks- until then, wish me luck.

Over 1/2 way done with week #2

TIME FLIES! or I always loved when my mom had a little frog figurine that says "Times Fun When You're Having Flies." okay. that was irrelevant.

I have lost 4.2 lbs! whoa! in just one week!

Its VERY surprising granted the extreme struggle that I went through in the past week. I was retaining so much fluid, waste, etc. that I didn't know if I would truly see a difference at the scale and I did! how exciting!

I also bought a scale. I decided that was the right idea, but I am kind of a weight Nazi about it now. I have seen numbers as low as 223 which is 10 pounds lower then my starting weight. I DO have to consider that my morning weight when I am naked just doesn't really count, its more mental that I like to see the number. My true weigh in will be this Saturday (2 days) so I am holding myself accountable to exercise tonight because I work both jobs tomorrow (Friday)

In addition to working out at Lifetime I have been inspired to buy Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred. I am usually not into cliche workout videos but my cousin saw REAL results from this so I feel like I should give it a try. ADRIAN SAID NO! First of all because we cant afford any extra "little diddies" or "treasures" as I like to call them because we are on a tight budget with bills, adding a car payment now and various other UNEXPECTED costs coming into play very soon. SO! I told him that I wouldn't buy anything extra but can you put a price on health? yes you can! its called $100 a month at lifetime, so I should just go BUT now I spent $10 on this DVD. I just want results. I am in a hurry to lose this excess baggage!

* * * * * * * * * * * GOALS * * * * * * * * * *

First Weightloss Event - Shannon's Bridal Shower (goal: minus 10 by then, weight: 223)

BETWEEN THESE GOALS I WILL HAVE LOST 5% OF MY STARTING WEIGHT WHICH IS 12 LBS PUTTING ME AT 221 WHICH IS MY FIRST GOAL SET BY WEIGHT WATCHERS

Second Weightloss Event - Amy's Halloween Party (goal: minus 15 by then, weight: 218)

Third Weightloss Event - Thanksgiving (goal: minus 20 by then, weight: 213)

BETWEEN THESE GOALS I WILL HAVE LOST 10% OF MY STARTING WEIGHT WHICH IS 23 LBS PUTTING ME AT 210 WHICH IS MY SECOND GOAL SET BY WEIGHT WACTHERS.

Fourth Weightloss Event - Christmas (goal: minus 25 by then, weight: 208)

Fifth Weightloss Event - My Birthday January 22nd (goal: minus 30 by then, weight 203)

SECRETLY ID LIKE TO WEIGH 199 BY MY BIRTHDAY TO PUT ME UNDER THE DREADED 200.

It feels good to get these little goals out and that way as I gain or lose I can reflect on these goals and know where I wan to to be/weigh in what time frame.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

this week: I made some cabbage soup that is "0" points and I am going to make sure to eat enough protein and fat so that I am "regular" because YET AGAIN I had some issues with pooping normally.

wish me luck with the coming week!

Current Weight: 228.8

Heres Day #6 update....

Well... 2 more days of official "dieting" until the dreaded "weigh in" so - whats wrong with that? I am having ISSUES with this new "lifestyle change" AKA - poop.

I guess I am used to always eating fatty foods, or at least normal foods, but now I am eating things that are low in fat or have no fat at all in my body got really upset with me. On day 3 of not pooping, I took a laxitive before bed, then I woke up around 4am of day 4, and took another one HOPING for something because at this point I was starting to feel nauseas. I didnt go until 5pm on the 4th day- NOT GOOD.

The problem? I dont want to be full of poop to the point that I dont show a difference at the scale. good grief. I am eating lots of vegtables today and things low in points as to cleanse my body from yesterday.

yesterday - went great, stayed right within my points, and even had delicious tacos with ground beef and the works, all within the program-

DID YOU KNOW that a hard taco is better for you than a soft taco? I had no idea, seems the other way around- but not the case according to calories, fiber, and fat. The point- when I went home from my cousins awesome dinner I was completely satisfied and still had points left for the day so I decided to relax and have a weight watchers peanut butter sundae, which left me with just 3 points- overall an acomplished food day...until... I decided to cook adrian homemade french onion soup- the works, cut up onions, whole wheat croutons, onion broth, and 2% milk mozerella cheese. DELICIOUS! the good news is- the soup itself has nofat and barely any calories, the croutons were whole wheat, and the cheese was 2% milk instead of whole fat- The bad news is- I scarcely measured anything and it was at 10pm which is 3 hours past my "ideal" time to stop eating. I estimated everything high in points and still ended up ahead for the day. Between tuesdays wine, and last nights soup, I have one more strike this week until I am OUT.

Today is the day to get RIGHT BACK ON TRACK so I ate the fiber one bar to start, when I got to work I planned on eating my actual breakfast of yogurt and cereal. So I get to work, and take my weight smart vitamin and my anxiety meds with some diet soda on an apparently empty stomach. what the heck. within 20 minutes I managed to barf up 30 gallons of saliva, my medication, and the little bit of fiber one bar that was left. I cant poop, im barfing, is this what being healthy is all about!?! and if it is- HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE UNTIL MY BODY ADJUSTS!!

Today I brought yogurt, cereal, a green pepper, a cucumber, a bag of salad, and some balsamic vinagarette dressing, some whole wheat pretzels, and hummus- the works. I am going to stay within my point today! even at the bar! this program is an excellent way to control my drinking as well! which is nice, because I limit my wine intake, which I previously did not have all that much control over. I am going to the bar for Dave's coming home party type deal, and there will be all sorts of skinny bitches (that I actually love to pieces) but I will still limit my alcohol because 1.) too many points/pointless calories and 2.) the bar that we are going to is almost an hour from my house so I dont want to be driving all that way even a little buzzed!

LASTLY.... GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! haha I need some encouragement. I dont have a scale at home so I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess if I had one then I would be obsessively checking my weight like a psychopath- BUT I could also see if these changes are actually doing anything. hmm. what a debate. well I am done ranting and venting for the day. 2 days til weigh in :-/

The first week of my weightloss journey

I weigh 233 lbs and I am 5'1.

that's unacceptable. un-freaking-acceptable.

I NEVER noticed my weight, sure I will make a few chubby jokes and know that I am "pleasantly plump" but I never let my weight define me. Call me vain, but I always thought I was pretty and always felt comfortable in my own skin, even if that skin happened to be fat.

SO! I started to notice a bit of a double chin- that was my first clue, then the rest of me was rounder than usual and shit started to hit the fan. I ignored it thought because I was going through a lot.

It wasn't until one Sunday at Karaoke that I realized I was fat- and NOT PH. Adrian took a picture of me singing karaoke, and I might as well have been singing "shes a brick house" because that's what I looked like and felt like in the picture. Maybe it was my pants, or my shirt, or the angle, or the lighting, but maybe- JUST MAYBE it was me! I was fat! How did I not notice? How did I let myself go!? and why, WHY! did it NEVER bother me, and WHY did I never see myself as obese as I was? I have no idea. I have good self-esteem and good people in my life, so I guess I have always been happy and not worried about it, but things are OUT OF HAND and I don't want to have ANY health risks.

How did I get so fat? AKA- what are my excuses for letting my body go?

1st, I am on anti-depression medicine that I got on shortly after my parents split and I was in the middle of quitting my sorority. Side effects of the meds are that you gain weight- never really says how much. I was sick of trying alternative meds so when I found something I stuck with it- even if I'd gain a few extra Lbs.

2nd, I had a miscarriage- definitely one, but potentially two. The one that I had was a really bad one. From being on birth control and other medications my uterus was not a "fit home" for a baby to successfully attach to so I knew all along that it wouldn't last, and during that time I gained 23 pounds.

3rd, Ian died and I ate my emotions and didn't move from the couch or my bed. AND I upped the depression meds that were making me gain weight in the first place!

4th, because of my depression and inability to cope I stopped using my EXPENSIVE gym membership which also made me gain weight because I was STILL eating like I was working out even thought I wasn't.

THESE ARE EXCUSES.
I NEED TO BE IN CONTROL.

I have always been curvy and that's cool with me, but right now I am obese. For my height, 128 is the MOST that a healthy individual should weigh, with 140 putting you into the overweight category. SO- I guess what I am saying is I'd like to be just overweight by my wedding, not obese. My goal weight is 150 that's my happy and normal weight, but according to my program, I need to weigh no more than 5 more or 5 less than 128 which puts me at 133 on the high side which is 100 POUNDS LESS THAN WHAT I WEIGH NOW.

How do I plan to do this? Lifetime & Weight Watchers

I joined Weight Watchers this Saturday with my cousin and it was VERY intimidating, lots of rules and regulations and measuring, etc. I don't think I have ever been so conscious of what I am putting in my mouth and it feels incredible.

My first goal is 10% of my weight which is 23 lbs

My second goal is 34 lbs so that I am under 200lbs

The overall goal is to lose 5 lbs a month.

I have 13 months until my wedding and at 5lbs a month that would put me at 233-65= 168 which is just a few pounds from my personal goal of 150.

SO! lets do dis! I have a good support team of family, and the people at my work, and I want to be held accountable! That's why I am writing down each thing that I eat, telling people that I am on a program to lose weight, and going for weekly weigh ins at Weight Watchers and keeping up with my cousins past successes.

I am HOPEful, I am EXCITED, and I am NERVOUS! I don't want to fail! I am going to try my very hardest! I don't know if I will even tell anyone that I am making this blog- I just need to be accountable to myself, and get some feelings out, and post my failures and successes so that I can monitor my journey. If for some reason you stumble across my ramblings, leave me something positive, or a tip or two! I can use anything!


STATS as of 8/15/2009:

weight: 233
height: 5'1 here goes!!!!

Wish me luck!!!